Sermons
Parenting With Authority and Relationship
Parenting With Authority and Relationship
Psa. 127:3-5
Introduction:
1. We maintain a pretty close relationship with our children. We may be separated by distance and heavy responsibilities, but we stay in touch.
a. We communicate by telephone and text at least weekly.
b. We receive pictures and videos of our grandchildren regularly.
c. The last time we were with Bryn she fixed us eggs for breakfast. We read Dr. Suess and
went for a long bike ride that resulted in Dave having to come pick us up in the truck.
d. The other day we celebrated Ella’s 12th birthday. I still have her note on the refrigerator
from some years ago. It says, “I know you love me as much as I love you.”
2. Children and grandchildren are one of God’s greatest gifts. We love them a lot and they love us a lot and that makes parenting an awesome task.
a. It can be very rewarding.
b. But it can be traumatic when things are going wrong.
c. And so when I discover something valuable I want to share it with you so your experience
can be rich, rather than devastating.
3. Some time ago I came across a lecture by Mark Crawford entitled “Parenting with Love and Grace.” Crawford is a clinical psychologist. He served as clinical director of an inpatient psychiatric and substance abuse center in Atlanta. He is a lecturer in schools, and in professional and church settings, and author of several books.
4. In his lecture he said some things that I had long recognized from Scripture and experience but did not know just how to say. I would like to share his language and some concepts with you and elaborate on them in relation to parenting, our relationship to God, church relationships and people in general.
Discussion:
I. The R’s of Dr. Crawford’s language.
A. Crawford identifies “three non-negotiable rules” for building safety, security and appropriate
boundaries for children. He recommends limiting the number of rules to these three. Too
many rules and both parents and children are frustrated. Parents can’t enforce many and
children can’t keep up with many.
1. Respect. Parents are responsible to teach their children respect.
2. Responsibility. Parents are to teach responsibility.
3. Risk. Parents are to limit the risks to their children. A safety issue. Doing what needs to
be done to protect the life and well-being of the child.
B. He distinguishes two tools available to parents: Rank and Relationship.
1. Rank has to do with parent’s authority.
2. Relationship has to do with the quality of the parent’s relationship with their child.
C. Already Bible students see biblical principles in this language.
1. “Honor father and mother” (Ex. 20:12) teaches the significance of respect for parents, but
we are taught respect for one another in various ways in Scripture (cf. Ex. 20:13-17).
Respect life, marriage, property, credibility, and yourneighbor.
2. Responsibility. Ezek. 18 highlights our personal responsibility for our behavior and our
relationship to God and each other.
3. Rank. Parents are given authority in the family relationship (Eph. 6:1).
D. Crawford says the outcome of rank is control. Using rank effectively: limits; be clear about
who is in charge in the home; be okay with kids being angry at the person; don’t have limits
you cannot enforce; follow through; be consistent; stay calm; have confidence in your
instincts.
E. Crawford says the outcome of relationship is influence. He says in order to establish an
effective relationship: spend time, seek them out; let them have a separate identity; learn to
listen; do not belittle or minimize; remain stable, don’t react to inconsistencies;
communicate and listen.
F. The outcome of relationship is influence. We influence their beliefs and opinions and about
everything else with our relationship.
G. Parents often attempt to use rank when they should be using relationship and relationship
when they should be using rank.
1. Parents use rank when they want to control their children. Often the result is rebellion
and power struggles. The child feels controlled, rebels and becomes embittered (angry)
exasperated (Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21). Parents tend to want to control everything about the
child. Often are concerned about how this child reflects on them. What will others
think (of me) if my child has a tattoo?
2. Rank needs to be used sparingly and only when it is critical to teaching respect,
responsibility and in matters of risk.
3. Relationship allows you to influence matters over which you have no control and should
be used accordingly.
a. God has given us free choice. He does have authority or rank. Parents do too.
b. But God does not control our choices. He uses His relationship with us to influence the
choices we make. Isn’t this Moses’ line of reasoning in Deut.? He reminds Israel of all
the good things that God has done for them. Reminds them of God’s graciousness and
then calls on them to respond appropriately (Ex. Deut. 8:2-10). Note that He was
disciplining them as a man disciplines his son (v. 5).
c. God wanted more than conformity of behavior. He wanted their hearts (cf. Isa. 29:13;
Matt. 15:8). He wanted a willing response.
d. Parents need to recognize matters that they do not have control over—exercise your
influence in these areas through your relationship. You cannot neglect the cultivation
of relationship and expect instead just to control your child.
4. Some parents want to use relationship for everything. They abandon their rank as parent.
They try to reason their children into respecting them and others. Their children now
have the power, take control in the family and dictate to the parents, telling their parents,
“I don’t want to and I won’t. You can’t make me.” And the parent continues to try to use
relationship to affect change. Usually trying to argue the child into agreeing with them.
II. Was it rank or relationship that brought the prodigal home (Lk. 15:11ff)?
A. Did the father have rank (authority)?
1. This is indicated by the son coming and saying, “Father, give me the share of the estate
that falls to me.” Note how harsh this is. Not “Fatherwould you give me?” But, “Give
me.” Who thinks they have control? Who is demanding?
2. The father actually has the control and the rank. He could have said, “NO.”
3. But this would have made little difference. The son would still have been rebellious.
B. What brought the son back? Relationship?
1. There was repentance.
2. “Father, I have sinned. I am no longer worthy.”
III. There is a place for rank and a place for relationship. We must be careful lest we use rank when we should be using relationship, and relationship when we should be using rank.
A. In a marriage.
B. In the family.
C. In the church. “He first loved us” (1 Jn. 4:19). Preachers, elders, etc.
D. In the government.
Conclusion:
1. “You know what?” “What?”
2. “I love you.” “I love you too.”
