Family Studies
Executing the Principles (Covenant, Grace, Empowering, Intimacy) in the Parent/Child Relationship (Deut. 6:1-9; Eph. 6:4)
Series: The Foundation of a Biblical FamilyIntroduction:
1. One of the most magnificent responsibilities that God has given mankind is the training of children. 2. We might interpret these passages to the effect that we want to train our children so that they can go to heaven. But actually we want more than that. We want it to go well for them in this life too. 3. The responsibility is grave, but bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord accomplishes both our objectives. 4. Because of the gravity of our responsibility we may read books on child psychology, listen to Focus on the Family, and remember how we were trained as children. While there is nothing wrong with such considerations, God is the ultimate Father and Parent and He is the model that we want to be like. All of our other research must be evaluated by what He has revealed. 5. Review of the chart reflecting how God establishes and maintains His relationship with us as Father. 6. How do we actually execute this model in our relationship with our children?Discussion:
I. The unconditional covenant commitment of marriage extends into our relationship with our children.A. Loyalty to your children involves loyalty to their mother/father.
B. This relationship provides them the secure environment in which they can thrive.
1. Your relationship is the dirt in which these little plants take their nutrition.
2. If it is of poor quality or if it is disturbed they are going to be affected by it.
C. Recognize that your marriage is the primary relationship of your family. Cultivate it; work on it; give time to it, FIRST, and then to your children.
II. The goal of our parenting is to empower our children to maturity. We want them to develop into self-disciplined adults, to be spiritually mature, devoted to God, contributors to society, leaders among God’s people. What we fear is they will be involved in alcohol abuse, illegal drug use, promiscuous sex, hostility to parents, and antisocial behaviors (such as stealing, lying, fighting, vandalism). How we use our parental power affects the accomplishment of our goals.A. In the late 60’s and early 70’s Diana Baumrind published research that she had done that distinguished three styles of parenting. Merton and Irene Strommen in a book entitled Five Cries of Parents (1985) elaborated practically on the implications of these styles of parenting.
B. Baumrind distinguished between three styles of parenting: Autocratic or authoritarian; Permissive; Authoritative.
1. Autocratic or authoritarian.
a. The parent values obedience as a virtue and favors punitive or forceful methods to curb the self-will of the child.
b. Does not encourage give-and-take, believing that the child should always accept the parent’s position as right.
c. May be either very protective or very neglectful.
d. More rigid, controlling, and demanding than others.
e. When it comes to verbal give-and-take the autocratic parent tends to stifle communication by always believing they are right.
f. Tend toward over-control; expects child to act as an adult.
g. The image of the Staff Sergeant who barks out commands and issues ultimatums is a fitting illustration of the authoritarian approach.
h. From a position above, the autocratic parent uses a power down approach.
2. Permissive approach.
a. Sees him or herself as a resource to be used as the child wishes, not as one responsible for shaping the child’s future behavior.
b. Aims to free the child from restraint and allow the child to develop as he or she chooses.
c. Believes the child should have all the privileges of an adult.
d. The opposite of the authoritarian style.
3. Authoritative approach.
a. Firmness of authority combined with willingness to listen.
b. Exerts firm control, but does not hem the child in with restrictions, values child’s independence but expects disciplined conformity.
c. Balance between allow children to make mistakes and be their own person, and setting helpful, protective boundaries and values for them on the other hand.
d. Gives children chance to talk over rules that are not liked or not understood.
e. When they tell a child that punishment is due, tend to follow through and do it.
f. Uses power from the bottom up.
C. The types of parenting and the behavior of children.
1. Marijuana use: Permissive (high), autocratic (medium), authoritative (low).
2. Permissive/Autocratic: low self-esteem, aggressive behaviors, chemical use, lack of interest in helping others.
3. Authoritative: those most likely to internalize the moral beliefs and faith of their parents involving healthy love for self and neighbor.
4. Whereas the permissive style creates an atmosphere for misbehavior, authoritarianism creates an atmosphere emphasizing controlling behavior. Authoritative discipline creates an atmosphere conducive to a self-disciplined conscience where the goal is not just controlled behavior but disciplined conscience.
D. There appears to be a need to blend from one into another as the understanding of the child increases. Permissive – Autocratic – Authoritative – Permissive.
1. When children are babies parents tend to be permissive.
2. When children are a little older, but still unable to reason parents tend to be autocratic. Ex. “Do not touch the stove!”
3. When children are able to reason parents are more authoritative. Ex. “You will not be able to use the car tonight. The weather conditions are not suitable for an inexperienced driver.”
4. When children are adults parents are more permissive. Ex. “You will have to use your own best judgment as to whether to buy that car. Have you been saving for a long time? The research suggests it is mechanically very reliable.”
5. Our objective as parents is to help our children develop into self-disciplined adults.
III. A biblical model of parenting. Truth be known most of us rely on our parents for our model of parenting. “Well my dad’s philosophy was ‘if you spare the rod, you spoil the child.’” Often we assume a particular interpretation of Scripture to fit our experience. “Rod” is interpreted as an instrument of punishment (cf. Prov. 26:3). But it is not always used that way in Scripture. Psa. 23:4 uses it as an instrument of comfort for the sheep. When looking at Scripture we have to be careful not to find “proof” (confirmation) of what we already believe. What is the biblical evidence for God as parent?A. God cares for people (Lk. 15:11-32).
1. Even though they may wish he were dead.
2. Even though they do not recognize themselves as beloved.
3. Note the unconditional covenant commitment.
B. God responds to the needs of His children.
1. This is evident in the scheme of redemption, culminating in the sacrifice of Christ.
2. When Jesus was baptized God said, “This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased” (Matt. 3:17; Mk. 1:11).
a. “This is My son.” Ownership thus identity.
1) We own our children when we give them our name, when we take financial responsibility, when we give them our time, when we honor their mother/father, when we introduce them, “This is my son.”
2) Teach your children that God owns them as His, that He is their Creator, that He makes provision for them, to pray “Our Father,” to be thankful.
b. “This is My Beloved.” Gives security.
1) We need to communicate our love to our children. It is O.K. to do it openly.
2) Jesus’ service to others was marked by a recognition of who He was. “Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come forth from God and was going back to God, got up from supper, and laid aside His garments . . . He washed the disciples’ feet” (Jn. 13:3ff).
c. “With Him I am well-pleased.” Self-worth.
1) Jesus had such a powerful sense of self-worth that He could say that he came to lay down His life for the many.
2) We need to communicate to our children that we appreciate them. “I appreciate your loyalty to God. You are not like so many others in the world. You are on the right track. I am pleased with you.”
C. God disciplines us both through positive instruction, rebuke and correction (Heb. 12:4-11).
1. He is not an abusive parent. He does not beat us into subjection in an autocratic way. He is not an ogre.
2. He is communicative, persuasive.
3. He is firm. He does expect a particular response. Love, instruction, rebuke, correction are in balance. Love is not withheld to get an appropriate response.
4. He allows us freedom of choice (Lk. 15:11ff).
D. He forgives (Psa. 103:10-13; Matt. 26:28; Jn. 3:16-17; Eph. 1:17).
E. He allows us to know Him sending His son and the Holy Spirit to disclose Himself (Jn. 14: 8-9; 16:12-15).
1. Because He reveals Himself to us we are drawn to Him.
2. Genuine openness leads to greater intimacy and bonding with our children.
F. An admonition to parents: Let the things of the Lord be first on your heart. Teach them to your children and model before them the kind of behavior you want to see in them (Deut. 6:6ff). There are other forces at work, powerful forces waging a war for your children (Eph. 6:10). You must work to control these with the power of God. Unless He builds the house you are laboring in vain. You must offset these forces if you are to help your children learn, grow and become all they are meant to be as the image of God is reflected from God, to parent, to child, to grandchild.
IV. A note to children.A. The biblical instruction is that you should “obey your parents in the Lord, and honor them” (Eph. 6:1-2; Col. 3:20), like Jesus who submitted to His parents (Lk. 2:51).
B. Your parents will not always be right. They are not always going to understand you or the circumstance that you are in.
1. Trust that they love you and that they have your best interest at heart.
2. Be thankful, honor them and submit even when it is almost impossible.
Conclusion:
1. Would you accept God as your Father? 2. Would you return to Him (Lk. 15)?
