Family Studies
Executing the Biblical Principles (Covenant, Grace, Empowering, Intimacy) in Marriage (Eph. 5:22-33; 1 Pet. 3:1-7)
Series: The Foundation of a Biblical FamilyIntroduction:
1. We hear many lessons in the Lord’s church to the effect that divorce is wrong. These are appropriate, and though we may stop there, Scripture does not. Scripture teaches us how to find satisfaction and happiness in marriage. 2. We (teachers in the Lord’s church) need to teach people how to find satisfaction and happiness in marriage. We need to give them the tools necessary to negotiate their relationships successfully. 3. I am convinced that by doing this we will not only improve marriage and family relationships, but that ALL human relationships will be benefited by the application of these skills. It is the principles laid down in Scripture that are sufficient to accomplish this objective. 4. But we are marred sinful creatures. We have been imprinted with worldly ways of thinking. These skew the way that we see what God is trying to communicate to us. Our spouse’s actions are interpreted in distorted ways and our attempts at communicating with one another are plagued with anger and frustration. How can we ever get it right?Discussion:
I. Conflict is inevitable in marriage. The ability to negotiate it defines successful marriage.A. In the 1990’s a research team lead by John Gottman, from the University of Washington, Published material on their research addressing the question of “Why marriages succeed or fail.”
1. They studied 2000 couples over a period of 20 years.
2. They videotaped them experiencing conflict. They observed facial expressions. Listened for what they said. Monitored their fidgeting, and gestures. They wired them to determine the level of their sweating.
3. Gottman concluded that he could predict with 94% accuracy which marriages would succeed and which ones would fail on the basis of how they interacted during conflict.
B. “Relationship success depends on the ability of two people to manage the conflicts that inevitably occur in all relationships.” The devil is the father of lies and has been a liar from the beginning. If we are going to successfully negotiate marriage we must get rid of the devil’s lie that successful marriage is a marriage without conflict.
1. Successful marriage is not defined by the absence of conflict. Conflicts are inevitable.
Ex. Finances, discipline of children, housework.
2. Success does not depend on finding the “right” partner. Why do couples divorce and marry another? Each spouse begins to think their spouse is the problem. The logical conclusion then is to get rid of the “problem” by getting rid of our partner. 70-75% of divorced persons remarry. If they take the same unresolved issues into the next marriage they are in danger of a repeating pattern.
II. Executing the biblical model in my marriage.A. The model is illustrated in the diagram: covenant, grace, empowering, intimacy.
B. In order to negotiate conflict successfully grace is necessary.
1. The unconditional covenant commitment that we have made rules out the option of continually changing partners.
2. The challenge then is to communicate grace. (Note the work done by Emerson Eggeriches, Love and Respect.)
a. In the language of Eph. 5 for husbands it involves communicating love (v. 33).
b. In the language of Eph. 5 for wives it involves communicating respect (v. 33).
c. Note the emphasis on individual responsibility. It is about you doing what you need to do. NOT about you getting your spouse to do what you want them to do. Grace involves giving without demanding, without expecting in return, giving even though the other person does not deserve it. No contracts here, but unconditional giving.
d. Often we begin to think “I will withhold or hurt in order to get what I want from my spouse.” You don’t get what you want by hurting people.
e. You must see past your spouse and serve Christ (Eph. 5:5-7; 1 Pet. 2:18; 1 Pet. 3:1-2).
C. Take pre-emptive action against conflict. Invest in your relationship bank account in a 5 to 1 ratio; 5 investments to 1 withdrawal. Focus on men to women. Communicates love.
1. You are probably not going to keep a count. You do not have to. Just invest a lot and withdraw as infrequently as you can. Maintain a positive balance.
2. Investments involve anything that your spouse recognizes as a positive contribution.
a. Can consist of anything from a little act of kindness to a grand gesture of love and affection.
b. Not just what you think is a positive contribution.
1) If she thinks flowers are a positive contribution, buy flowers.
2) If he thinks a new washing machine is a positive contribution, try to see it as that.
3) Words fitly spoken (Eph. 4:29ff).
c. Show interest. Be affectionate. Show you care. Be thankful. Be concerned. Be empathetic. Be accepting. Share joy. Vision for the future. Be playful.
3. Couples have real difficulty when there is a run on the bank. They become flooded with negative emotions. Makes it hard to receive deposits. You are perceived as a withdrawer rather than a depositor. (This has been called Negative emotional override by Gottman.)
D. Stop thoughtless nastiness and start thoughtful acts of kindness. Focus on women to men. Communicates respect. Stop doing what you feel like and start doing what what the Lord wants (Eph. 4:31-32). Four things . . .
1. Stop the criticisms.
a. Complaint is O.K. Ex. “We don’t go out as much as I would like.”
b. Criticism. Ex. “You never take me anywhere.”
c. Complaints often begin with “I.” “I am upset, angry, distressed. . .” Criticisms often begin with “You always” or “You never.” Often involves blaming and attacking.
2. Stop the contempt.
a. What separates criticism from contempt is the intent to insult and psychologically abuse your partner.
b. Words and body language lob insults. Fueled by negative thoughts. She/he is stupid, disgusting, incompetent, a fool. Negative thoughts turn into negative words. Insults. Name-calling. Hostile humor. Mockery. Body-language—rolling eyes. “It’s a man thing”—meaning all men are clods.
3. When you act contemptuously the other person becomes defensive.
a. They feel attacked and so act to defend themselves. Typical accuse/defend pattern.
b. Deny, make excuses, complain about something else.
4. Stone-walling. Men tend to do this more than women.
a. Leave. Withdraw. Avoid.
b. May become habitual.
5. All do these on occasion, but when they become a flood, they are overwhelming.
6. Energized by negative emotion. “I’m so mad I can’t think straight.”
E. Diminish the emotional intensity (Eph. 4:26, 31; Col. 3:8; Gal. 5:20, 22).
1. Destructive talk + hot (toxic) thoughts + high arousal = relationship distress.
2. We can interrupt the situation in any area. Talk. Thoughts. High Arousal.
3. Arousal—allow time for emotion to cool down. Then come back to it.
III. When you have failed (and you will)—forgive.A. God is the model (Psa. 103:1-14).
1. He does not deal with us according to our sins.
2. Removes our transgressions.
3. Took the pain of our sin upon himself (Rom. 5:6-8).
B. Forgiveness is not . . .
1. Overlooking the wrong (Gen. 50:20).
2. Excusing, whitewashing, ignoring.
3. Explaining it away.
4. You taking the blame for everything.
C. Forgiveness is . . .
1. A conscience deliberate decision to not hold a person condemnable (punishable) for the wrong committed.
2. God has not dealt with us according to our sins.
3. He does not treat us as we deserve.
4. Chooses not to remember our sins against us (Heb. 10:17).
5. Covers them and does not take them into account (Rom. 4:7-8; Psa. 32:1).
D. Forgiveness is costly.
1. The innocent carries the pain. God took the pain of our sin.
2. Treats the guilty kindly, even though they do not deserve it.
3. Without demand of getting it right from here on.
E. The guilty never fully understands.
Conclusion:
1. How do we execute the biblical model? It is not easy. It takes work. It involves self-sacrifice and unimaginable commitment. It involves grace. 2. It involves forgiveness. 3. But we are not alone. God will empower us. 4. We can experience the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
